She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
