Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
