I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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