my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
