Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
