she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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