She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
