I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
