I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
