He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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