Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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