Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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