Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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