watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Houston, we have a blender
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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