the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
