I wish I could teleport
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
