I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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