i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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