I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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