I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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