I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
