You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
