Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
