....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
