So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
