Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
