you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
