Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
