I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
