Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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