i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
