brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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