we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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