Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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