I didn't shave. On purpose
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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