how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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