The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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