ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
