it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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