new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
