you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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