somebody snuck up and got me drunk
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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