take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
