What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Im part way to drunk.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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