this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize