honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
