I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
