Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
