I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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