I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
