Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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