I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
