My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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