Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
