All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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