I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
