The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I wish there were birth control emojis
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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