She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
