My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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