Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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